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The Diary of Jerry Pepys

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(no subject) [Nov. 16th, 2006|04:10 am]
The Diary of Jerry Pepys
j_pepys
Many a fortnight has elapsed since my last missive, and verily I grieve for this misdeed. I shall attempt to abate this silence and bring what news of recent days as I can.

The people are much stirred by the parliamentary proceedings of late. The meat of the matter eludes me but it appears that a group of codswiving pig-fools have been routed from the Committees of Parliament; thus rendering the King (who immediately strikes me as a beastly fool) with lessened power. It is my hope that this portends the removal of seemingly thousands of signs which now litter the streets, exhorting me to cast my ballot for this or that minister. I will be glad to see the end of it.

Today I was shaken to hear news of a wrong that has persisted for many years. You will know my brother Samuel through his haughty and flowery writings. He was taken of the frivolities of theater, spending many an evening visiting plays with his lovely "cozens" (as he reported them to his wife). Anon, I was reading at the public bookhouse a work of William Shakespeare, a man whose work my brother greatly admired. Whereupon I read this passage:
What a piece of work is man! How noble in reason! how infinite in faculties! in form and moving, how express and admirable! in action how like an angel! in apprehension, how like a god! the beauty of the world! The paragon of animals!
Samuel, the conniving little shitte, knowing the workings of Isaac Newton's chronological torsion engine, has taken this writing from me and given it to William without even thought of a remuneration for my authorship! Will's version of the poem is entirely stolen from a rowdy song I conceived in the public house, describing a particular filth-laden slut of the west street named Anne:
What a piece of arse is Anne! How ample in bosom! How flexible in capacities! In the ways of mouth-love, how hungry and insatiable! In action such a loose whore! In penetration, how like a dog! The harlot of the streets! The courtesan of Aldersgate!
My song was quite popular in Aldersgate (and as far as Deptford, too, as this storied Anne traveled quite well!) That Will took my song and vulgarized it in such a way angers me so that I can scarcely see. I shall have to closely examine the rest of his writings to find if he has taken any of my various works. In particular, my tragic story of "The Mating of the Shrew".
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(no subject) [Sep. 15th, 2006|12:11 pm]
The Diary of Jerry Pepys
j_pepys
The populace is much concern'd of late by a certain festival, to be held at the limits of the City of Austin.

To-day I traveled to the very limits of of the city, by way of a cart driven by a kindly stranger. But arriving at the edge of the city, I found not a festival, but a vast expanse of identical houses and many taverns owned by a proprietor named "Applebee". I was struck that this festival is not what it appears to be.

Anon I come to discover that the festival is near the very center of the city, near the banks of the river (or the Lake as they most irritatingly call it). One must ask the question why this festival, should it be an important affair, has been named so deceivingly.

I wonder how long I can bear to live in this weird place.
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(no subject) [Sep. 8th, 2006|12:40 pm]
The Diary of Jerry Pepys
j_pepys
Today, up betimes to market, where I purchased a delightful biscuit called a "hostess cup cake". I know not this hostess but would endeavor to meet her. When I enquired to the shopkeeper as to her name and location, he gave me eyes such as I were a common idiot, then asked me to take leave of the market.

I am of late making my stead in a settlement by the name of Austin. It lieth on a river, which deceivingly is called a lake by the townspeople, for what reason I know not. I may know little, but I do know a river when I see one. I take that most people in this place are oafs, either slackards wearing ill-fitting clothing and unsightly sandalls, or members of the local Parliament, which do carry themselves in a most serious and haughty manner.

Many in the town are vexed by the arrival of hordes from the North, a most unpleasant place called Ohiyo (it is a name given by the aboriginal people). In the local taverns I hear tell of its squalor and barbarism. This all being for a match or game of some sort.

The subject of which reminds me, yester-day I did wander around the heart of the city, and came upon a strange house. Upon its front, leaned three large letters in what seem Cyrillic. Much noise and gaiety was occurring within this building. Twas not an ale-house, but some other strange gathering. I must make note of the letters and place, and return anon, for as to find out what manner of merriment lies within.
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(no subject) [Sep. 5th, 2006|05:41 pm]
The Diary of Jerry Pepys
j_pepys
The populace are greatly troubled by ill news arriving from the prison colonies in the distant Austral seas, that a much celebrated and befamed Captain Irwin has lost his life battling a poisonous serpent of the most vile kind. No doubt giving the serpent a brutal thrashing before his demise. I shall betimes endeavor to remember to inspect underneath my bed, come nightfall, to ensure such serpents are not present thereon.
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